Of Menus And Men
Welcome to Life, the most exotic in universal dining. My name is M. Endel d’Jaquebson and I shall be your host tonight.
Life, more than just a ubiquitous smorgasbord of edibles, is a place where one can experience anything – from the delicate to the flamboyant, from the pleasurable to the painful, from the ravishing to the revolting.
Please, let me take your coat and show you to your table. I know you have waited more than five thousand years for this seat and, once you have begun dining, you’ll see that the wait (if not the weight) was well worth it. Now that you are all seated, I will leave you to navigate our bill of fare. Remember, Life is a journey, one that should be embraced with an exquisite palate. Choose wisely.
Carte Du Jour (in English: A Day In The Life)
Chef de Cuisine: Der Aybishter
Appetizers
The little things that go unnoticed until they’re gone
Flirtatious Fritter
a secret whisper, batted eyelash, hair tossed over shoulder, sashaying hip
Spring Rolls
melted snow, rolled up sleeve, sprouting flower, blued sky (served at 71 degrees Fahrenheit)
Total Jerky
horns of bully, stolen lunch money, elastic wedgie
Envy Empanada
bitter covetousness, jealous smirk, sour discontentment
Soups
The watery things that may not be as substantial as they seem
Cream of the Crop
very rich dad, spiced in ivy league, toothpaste-ad smile, captain of football team
Laced Mushroom
acid reduction, kaleidoscopic hallucinations, dancing portobello belles
Soup du Jour
every day, a new energy; every energy, a different bowl
Salads
The flowery things that are sometimes tossed
Hearts of Charm
three dozen red roses, sensitive scents, topped with a valiant vinaigrette dressing
Teaser Salad
just the tip of the iceberg (lettuce) dressed in the slinkiest of negligees
Sun-Dried Humor Salad
funny bone shards, tickled cucumbers, peels of laughter, topped in egg-joke
Entrees
The big things that change the shape of the world (and the shape of our hips)
Filet of Soul
sparks of spirit, finished in an organic mystical glaze
Braised Short Fibs
luscious falsehoods, garnished with hustle sprouts and raspberry sham
Chilean Sea Ass
buttered buttocks and pompous sycophant on a bed of crack-ers
Rack of Lamb
tender fragility wrapped in a warm cocoon
Cornish Men
masculine muscle, stuffed full of himself
Darkest Hellibut
fiery (apricot) pits, sinful shadows, deviled eggs
Steaks (or Stakes)
Those meaty things that are rare, yet well-done
High Stake
a deadly (b)risk-it cut, served in a saucy gamble
Reserve Cut
filet of self-restraint, seared in anti-social truffle oil
Rhyme Rib
iambic pentameter cut, accented with french-fried haikus and epic lymph odes
Black Angst Beef
anxiously grilled to imperfection, served on a toast of multi-grain dread
From the Bar
The liquid things of matter which contain the spirit
Peacocktail
with a vainglorious kick
Whisker Sour
mustachioed frowns
Con Yak
motor-mouthed scam-artist
White Zen-fandel
meditation on the rocks (garden)
Cham Pain
it hurts so good
Desserts
The indulgent things that make us feel sweet
Tear-amisu
sadness served with a broken heart
Off the Walnut Cake
drizzled in craizen syrup
Blackberry Short Cake
wireless capability
Sore Bey
many flavors, all charley-horse
~~~
I hope you’ve enjoyed your meal.
There will be 20% gratuity added to the tab either way.
Life, more than just a ubiquitous smorgasbord of edibles, is a place where one can experience anything – from the delicate to the flamboyant, from the pleasurable to the painful, from the ravishing to the revolting.
Please, let me take your coat and show you to your table. I know you have waited more than five thousand years for this seat and, once you have begun dining, you’ll see that the wait (if not the weight) was well worth it. Now that you are all seated, I will leave you to navigate our bill of fare. Remember, Life is a journey, one that should be embraced with an exquisite palate. Choose wisely.
Carte Du Jour (in English: A Day In The Life)
Chef de Cuisine: Der Aybishter
Appetizers
The little things that go unnoticed until they’re gone
Flirtatious Fritter
a secret whisper, batted eyelash, hair tossed over shoulder, sashaying hip
Spring Rolls
melted snow, rolled up sleeve, sprouting flower, blued sky (served at 71 degrees Fahrenheit)
Total Jerky
horns of bully, stolen lunch money, elastic wedgie
Envy Empanada
bitter covetousness, jealous smirk, sour discontentment
Soups
The watery things that may not be as substantial as they seem
Cream of the Crop
very rich dad, spiced in ivy league, toothpaste-ad smile, captain of football team
Laced Mushroom
acid reduction, kaleidoscopic hallucinations, dancing portobello belles
Soup du Jour
every day, a new energy; every energy, a different bowl
Salads
The flowery things that are sometimes tossed
Hearts of Charm
three dozen red roses, sensitive scents, topped with a valiant vinaigrette dressing
Teaser Salad
just the tip of the iceberg (lettuce) dressed in the slinkiest of negligees
Sun-Dried Humor Salad
funny bone shards, tickled cucumbers, peels of laughter, topped in egg-joke
Entrees
The big things that change the shape of the world (and the shape of our hips)
Filet of Soul
sparks of spirit, finished in an organic mystical glaze
Braised Short Fibs
luscious falsehoods, garnished with hustle sprouts and raspberry sham
Chilean Sea Ass
buttered buttocks and pompous sycophant on a bed of crack-ers
Rack of Lamb
tender fragility wrapped in a warm cocoon
Cornish Men
masculine muscle, stuffed full of himself
Darkest Hellibut
fiery (apricot) pits, sinful shadows, deviled eggs
Steaks (or Stakes)
Those meaty things that are rare, yet well-done
High Stake
a deadly (b)risk-it cut, served in a saucy gamble
Reserve Cut
filet of self-restraint, seared in anti-social truffle oil
Rhyme Rib
iambic pentameter cut, accented with french-fried haikus and epic lymph odes
Black Angst Beef
anxiously grilled to imperfection, served on a toast of multi-grain dread
From the Bar
The liquid things of matter which contain the spirit
Peacocktail
with a vainglorious kick
Whisker Sour
mustachioed frowns
Con Yak
motor-mouthed scam-artist
White Zen-fandel
meditation on the rocks (garden)
Cham Pain
it hurts so good
Desserts
The indulgent things that make us feel sweet
Tear-amisu
sadness served with a broken heart
Off the Walnut Cake
drizzled in craizen syrup
Blackberry Short Cake
wireless capability
Sore Bey
many flavors, all charley-horse
~~~
I hope you’ve enjoyed your meal.
There will be 20% gratuity added to the tab either way.
posted by jakeyology at 11:05 AM
10 Comments:
You definitely whet my apetite for more of your poetry. Unless your feeling like a Crème brûlée.
(a little burnt out)
you still got something against soup, don't you?
hip was used twice.
awesome piece.
Can I just have some cereal? and milk maybe? (even if it does taste like water.)
Very imaginative, we must not merely experiance life but live it, ingest it, make our lives a part of us as much a meal.
Why do you have so many negative dishes? Has life served you up some sour sittings?
very nice Mendel.
How do you come up with this stuff?
deliciously creative -
my mind is salivating...
Ah, some chilean sea ass, please.
Extra dressing on the buttocks. Can I get it sliced and served on fresh bunns?
sizzling with brilliance!!!
btw.. whenever I buy the algemeiner, the first thing i do is scan for your articles! this weeeks was fantastically written.. keep it up, you're a pleasure to read..you should try out for the new yorker..
thank y'all for your wonderful comments.
bon appetite!
"Ink runs from the corners of my mouth.
There is no happiness like mine.
I have been eating poetry."
—from "Eating Poetry" by Mark Strand
My mouth was watering.
But I'll be satisfied with just water, please :)
Fabulous idea! The menu is so rich, it's hard to digest and take it all in at once. I'll probably have to read it a few times until I can decide what I want. My favorite is the Tear-amisu. The funny thing is that this is one of my favorite desserts in reality as well.
Yashor Koach!
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