Thursday, January 25, 2007

Of Menus And Men

Welcome to Life, the most exotic in universal dining. My name is M. Endel d’Jaquebson and I shall be your host tonight.

Life, more than just a ubiquitous smorgasbord of edibles, is a place where one can experience anything – from the delicate to the flamboyant, from the pleasurable to the painful, from the ravishing to the revolting.

Please, let me take your coat and show you to your table. I know you have waited more than five thousand years for this seat and, once you have begun dining, you’ll see that the wait (if not the weight) was well worth it. Now that you are all seated, I will leave you to navigate our bill of fare. Remember, Life is a journey, one that should be embraced with an exquisite palate.
Choose wisely.

Carte Du Jour (in English: A Day In The Life)

Chef de Cuisine: Der Aybishter

The little things that go unnoticed until they’re gone

Flirtatious Fritter
a secret whisper, batted eyelash, hair tossed over shoulder, sashaying hip

Spring Rolls
melted snow, rolled up sleeve, sprouting flower, blued sky (served at 71 degrees Fahrenheit)

Total Jerky
horns of bully, stolen lunch money, elastic wedgie

Envy Empanada
bitter covetousness, jealous smirk, sour discontentment

The watery things that may not be as substantial as they seem

Cream of the Crop
very rich dad, spiced in ivy league, toothpaste-ad smile, captain of football team

Laced Mushroom
acid reduction, kaleidoscopic hallucinations, dancing portobello belles

Soup du Jour
every day, a new energy; every energy, a different bowl

The flowery things that are sometimes tossed

Hearts of Charm
three dozen red roses, sensitive scents, topped with a valiant vinaigrette dressing

Teaser Salad
just the tip of the iceberg (lettuce) dressed in the slinkiest of negligees

Sun-Dried Humor Salad
funny bone shards, tickled cucumbers, peels of laughter, topped in egg-joke

The big things that change the shape of the world (and the shape of our hips)

Filet of Soul
sparks of spirit, finished in an organic mystical glaze

Braised Short Fibs
luscious falsehoods, garnished with hustle sprouts and raspberry sham

Chilean Sea Ass
buttered buttocks and pompous sycophant on a bed of crack-ers

Rack of Lamb
tender fragility wrapped in a warm cocoon

Cornish Men
masculine muscle, stuffed full of himself

Darkest Hellibut
fiery (apricot) pits, sinful shadows, deviled eggs

Steaks (or Stakes)
Those meaty things that are rare, yet well-done

High Stake
a deadly (b)risk-it cut, served in a saucy gamble

Reserve Cut
filet of self-restraint, seared in anti-social truffle oil

Rhyme Rib
iambic pentameter cut, accented with french-fried haikus and epic lymph odes

Black Angst Beef
anxiously grilled to imperfection, served on a toast of multi-grain dread

From the Bar
The liquid things of matter which contain the spirit

with a vainglorious kick

Whisker Sour
mustachioed frowns

Con Yak
motor-mouthed scam-artist

White Zen-fandel
meditation on the rocks (garden)

Cham Pain
it hurts so good

The indulgent things that make us feel sweet

sadness served with a broken heart

Off the Walnut Cake
drizzled in craizen syrup

Blackberry Short Cake
wireless capability

Sore Bey
many flavors, all charley-horse


I hope you’ve enjoyed your meal.
There will be 20% gratuity added to the tab either way.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You definitely whet my apetite for more of your poetry. Unless your feeling like a Crème brûlée.
(a little burnt out)

1/25/2007 12:03 PM  
Anonymous ala tete said...

you still got something against soup, don't you?

hip was used twice.

awesome piece.

Can I just have some cereal? and milk maybe? (even if it does taste like water.)

1/25/2007 12:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very imaginative, we must not merely experiance life but live it, ingest it, make our lives a part of us as much a meal.
Why do you have so many negative dishes? Has life served you up some sour sittings?

1/27/2007 9:28 PM  
Anonymous Yossi said...

very nice Mendel.
How do you come up with this stuff?

1/30/2007 4:48 PM  
Blogger chana said...

deliciously creative -
my mind is salivating...

2/02/2007 1:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah, some chilean sea ass, please.
Extra dressing on the buttocks. Can I get it sliced and served on fresh bunns?

2/04/2007 7:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

sizzling with brilliance!!!
btw.. whenever I buy the algemeiner, the first thing i do is scan for your articles! this weeeks was fantastically written.. keep it up, you're a pleasure to should try out for the new yorker..

2/04/2007 9:59 PM  
Blogger jakeyology said...

thank y'all for your wonderful comments.

bon appetite!

"Ink runs from the corners of my mouth.
There is no happiness like mine.
I have been eating poetry."

—from "Eating Poetry" by Mark Strand

2/05/2007 1:18 AM  
Blogger rivka said...

My mouth was watering.

But I'll be satisfied with just water, please :)

2/07/2007 9:11 AM  
Blogger Vagabond said...

Fabulous idea! The menu is so rich, it's hard to digest and take it all in at once. I'll probably have to read it a few times until I can decide what I want. My favorite is the Tear-amisu. The funny thing is that this is one of my favorite desserts in reality as well.

Yashor Koach!

2/15/2007 5:27 PM  

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